


Tomspoonery

by trascendenza



Category: Sports Night
Genre: Alternate Universe, Banter, Collection: Purimgifts Day 2, Community: purimgifts, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-22
Updated: 2010-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-07 11:52:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trascendenza/pseuds/trascendenza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"I'm having a hard time imagining a point involving a spoon," Natalie said. "Unless that point is that you want some soup."</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tomspoonery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hannah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannah/gifts).



"Do you see this?" Dan said, holding his hand in front of Natalie's face.

"It's a spoon," she said, slowly, like she wasn't sure if it was a trick question.

"Good eye," Dan said.

"I don't think it takes a good eye to identify that object," Jeremy piped up from his desk. "It's rather obviously a spoon. As a matter of fact, I can't think of a single way in which that spoon could be any _more_ archetypically spoon-like."

"Are you saying I don't have a good eye?" Natalie said, shooting him a look.

"No," Jeremy said. "Just that identifying that particular utensil is not empirical evidence of your good eye."

"I'm not sure I like your tone --"

"And I'm not disputing the fact that you made an accurate assessment, but nevertheless --"

"Guys," Dan said, waving the spoon. "Could we re-focus, please? I was trying to make a point."

"A point about the spoon?" Jeremy said, wheeling his chair over to join Natalie in examining it.

"A point about the spoon," Dan confirmed. "Or, more specifically, a point involving the spoon."

"I'm having a hard time imagining a point involving a spoon," Natalie said. "Unless that point is that you want some soup."

"Wonderful though soup is, no," Dan said.

"Then what possible point could you be making involving the spoon?" Jeremy said.

"Well, you see, my friends, this is a perfectly ordinary spoon --"

"If you say the word 'spoon' one more time I will hurt you," Kim yelled from across the room.

"This is a perfectly ordinary piece of cutlery," Dan went on, not missing a beat. "But it's about to _do_ something extraordinary."

"I don't see why it's called cutlery if it doesn't cut," Natalie said. "That's just downright deceptive."

"The instrument in question definitely would not be up to the task," Jeremy agreed.

"Oooh, are you going to cut something with it?" Natalie said, looking excited. "That'd be pretty impressive."

"Wonderful though cutting is," Dan said, his tone verging on impatient, "no. Now, if you'll just sit back and watch --"

"Now I want soup," Kim said, approaching from behind Jeremy and Natalie. "Where is it?"

"There is none," Natalie said mournfully, looking at Dan with large doe-eyes. "He didn't bring us any."

"What the hell, Dan?" Kim said, scowling at him.

"_Guys_," Dan said, waggling the spoon in front of their faces. "Please. Just let me get through this. It'll only take a minute, I promise."

"Geeze, sorry," Natalie said. Jeremy sat back, pushing his glasses up his nose. Kim shrugged, sitting on Jeremy's desk.

"Thank you," Dan said, smiling his most charming on-air smile. "Now: watch carefully."

Dan held the spoon at arm's length, his eyebrows furrowing as his gaze narrowed in on it.

"Do you think he's trying to bend it with his mind?" Natalie whispered to Jeremy.

"I couldn't even begin to hazard a guess," Jeremy whispered back.

"I'm already bored," Kim said at normal volume.

A single bead of sweat formed on the center of Dan's forehead, nearly _sproinging_ into existence with the force of his concentration, and they watched as he leaned forward, a strange build-up buzzing in the air, raising the hair on the back of everyone's necks, like the electricity in the air before a storm. It thickened, growing heavy, twisting, and Natalie slipped her arm through Jeremy's, her eyes going wide, and Kim took a step back, and then --

The spoon disappeared.

"Wow," Natalie breathed, blinking at the spot where the spoon had been.

"That was kinda weird," Kim said, nose scrunched like she'd just bitten into a sour fruit.

"You did that with your mind?" Jeremy said, slowly, his expression amazed and perturbed all at once.

Dan nodded, grinning, nearly bouncing with excitement. "Cool, huh? Last night I made my toaster disappear."

"But where did it _go_?" Jeremy said, becoming more perturbed with the minute.

Dan shrugged. "I dunno."

"You don't _know_? How can you not know?" Jeremy stood, starting to pace in agitation. "What if you're -- oh, no, what if you're actually _destroying_ matter with your mind and upsetting the entire space/time continuum in the process? Did you ever think of that?"

Dan blinked. "No."

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no," Jeremy muttered, getting up and walking off, his hands cradling the top of his head like he was afraid it might explode, "this is not good, not good at all, something has to be done about this..."

"And what does he think he's going to do?" Kim said, watching him go. He bumped into a wall.

"Restore the space/time continuum," Natalie said. "He likes to do that on weekends."

"Good guy," Dan said, nodding.

"He sure is," Natalie said, eyes dreamy.

"So," Dan said, clapping his hands and rubbing them together. "What should I do next?"

"If you suggest my underwear I'll hurt you," Kim promised with a menacing eyebrow raise.

Dan's expression went thoughtful. "Does the same go for Casey's?"

"Quite the opposite," Kim said, slinging an arm around Dan's shoulders. "That, I'll pay to see."

"I'll chip in," Natalie said, following.

"Step right up, ladies and gentlemen," Dan said, spreading his arms and announcing it to the office. "You are about to witness something extraordinary, potentially humiliating, definitely hilarious, and probably more than a little homoerotic."

"To think I pay these people actual American dollars," Dana said, watching the mob work its way towards Casey's office.

"Tell me about it," Isaac said. He held out his elbow. "Shall we?"

"Potentially humiliating?" She said, grinning and taking it. "You bet."

*


End file.
